Roller Coaster Ride

Funny. Today, of all days, is the day when I finally broke down and cried in front of my students. I din know myself how did that happen; it was either I was too angry or I was too frustrated. Or maybe both. Yes, I think it might be both.

Born with a teacher instinct, I can't help myself from pushing my studs to be the best that they can be. I want them to succeed. No teacher would ever want their students to fail; both in exams and in life. I dun expect everyone to adore or worship me in the process; I'm just doing my job. I admit, it's a challenge for me to be given one of the weakest classes at school, but that does not mean they're the worst human on earth. They're teachable. Only if they choose to listen. Just listen. I din know it could be too difficult for this group of students to do even that.

It started off with me discussing the answers to the previous lesson's exercises. I din check their books one by one because I had trusted them. Dammit. I trusted them well! Two students took their books silently with them to the back of the class and started doing the work I'd given last week when they failed to give me the answers to a few questions (because they din do it in the first place!) For God's sake! Ok, ok, I was still under control... until... I found out that the other 9 students who did not complete their work remained quietly and pretended like nothing happened! One student even showed me a book which does not belong to him.. and thought I was foolish enough not to check the name on the book and that he could get away just like that! I started to get pissed off, until I found out another 2 students were copying their friends' books sneakily right in front of my very eyes! And they thought I din see them doing that!

After I started preaching to them about lying to me and all, another 4 students whom I haven't checked their books slowly went to the back of the class and still, pretended like nothing happened. What kind of attitude was that? Did they even care?? I myself wasn't too sure whether they understand me when I nagged at them in English. *sigh* The next thing I knew, I was enveloped with mixed feelings of anger, annoyance, frustration and sadness that I cried.. I just couldn't hold it, the tears kept streaming down my face. It took me a lil while till I was finally able to compose myself and next continued with the lesson. I can assure you that this is not the first time they had ever played stubborn, ignorant and looked completely blank. Maybe just this once I figured that it was a lil too much. Tough day.

I hate to hate my students because that's not what teachers do. Even as an individual, I never hate 'em even if they might think that way. If there is one thing I must hate, that would be hypocrites; those who say one thing, yet do another. They can lie to me. They can lie to everyone else. They can even manipulate or use their friends to keep them away from punishments. But what I regret the most is the fact that they are actually lying to their own selves. And God, of course. That is probably the worst thing one could ever do in life. But I've always believed in the karma, that what goes around, comes around. If everything I do to help them is futile, only they will be able to change their lives; it's now or never. At least I tried! Remember: life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us."
- Alexander Graham Bell -